Hairy Legs

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The Lime Beer Liberation Army today captured the White House by executing a pincer movement along Pennsylvania Avenue. They said they found the place deserted, and that it looked as if it had been vacant for years. It seems that nobody has been running the U.S. for a number of generations. They did find a gardener around the back who admitted giving the order to invade Iraq, stating he was very sorry, and that he only intended it to be a pun. Looks like the biggest stuff-up since the soundtrack of 'Jonathon Livingston Seagull'.

Lord Donald von Rumsfeld today admitted that he did not know what a WMD actually was or looked like. He said that he had been told that they were like little boxes made of ticky-tacky, about this big, with little handles on the side and little flowers embroidered on the base. But he wasn't sure, although he did say that it didn't matter because they will eventually find them in Eye-rack, even if he has to post them there himself. He said he would do that if he only knew what the damn things looked like. When pressed, he said he thought the acronym WMD stood for Wesleyan Methodist Dogma, but he wasn't really sure but, as he was asked that question yesterday, we can all get stuffed. He admits knowing Jonathon Livingston Seagull but says they were never an item.

Police and sheriff's deputies in Texarkana, Texas, today arrested Jonathon Livingston Seagull, and charged his with 1) Being Knowingly Connected With The Worst Album Made by A Major Recording Artist; and; 2) Fail To Assist Neil Diamond In Gaining Respect Of Serious Rock Aficionados. He faces the death penalty on both counts. If he had got across the border into Arkansas, he would have faced a maximum $5.00 fine.

Police in Canada today closed off the border with the U.S. A spokesman said that Canada was full, and if somebody gets across the border to avoid going to Iraq, some poor devil gets pushed out the other end into Alaska, where they are immediately arrested and sent to Iraq, even if they happen to be Canadian. A government source said that this had been going on for so long, that 98.7% of the U.S. troops in Iraq are in fact Canadian, and that this fact is enough to make a self-respecting lumberjack want to dress up in women's clothing.

Saint Bill of Most Holy Redmond today announced his possible retirement in the near future, saying he can't fit any more money into his bank account. He said he was considering a position on the Board Of Directors Of Heaven. He said with his vote, together with fellow Board members King George the Dubberyar and Donald Graf von Rumsfeld, he will have the necessary two thirds majority required to overrule God. He intends working very hard to prevent Heaven going Open Source. When it was asked whether there was any chance of his going to 'that other place', he said if George and Donald can make it, anyone can and, besides, he has done all these charity things and has the news video footage to prove it.

The Lime Beer Liberation Army today announced that successful raids in Texas yesterday helped set free 647 prison inmates awaiting execution, from divers death rows. The inmates, aged between 4 years old and 7 years old, were awaiting execution following their being arrested by the Anti Piracy Gestapo whilst in possession of what is believed to be a Bob The Builder CD that might have been pirated or, perhaps, they were going to pirate if they knew how, contrary to the EULA, which, if they could read big words, told them that thinking about piracy leads to tooth decay and execution. The L.B.L.A. was unable to help the parents and siblings of the prisoners, as they were executed last Tuesday.

The biggest hairy legs of them all, Dickless Cheney, today announced that he is disbanding the Department of Homeland Security, which was far too touchy-feely for his taste, and replacing it with the Department Of Really Harassing People Who Don't Like Neocons And Should Go To Prison For 999 Years. This new Department is to be equipped with tactical nuclear weapons, rubber hoses, electric torture devices, and copies of the book 'Torture That Is Not Torture For Dummies'. The uniformed division will dress in a little black cocktail dress with matching shoes and handbag, in memory of their main mannish girl, J Edgar Hoover.

The head television evangelist of the Religious Right, Ben E. Hinn, was dismissed from his senior post today when he was found in possession of a Barry Manilow LP. His claims that he only bought it because the musical arrangements were quite interesting and reminded him of the Archangel Gabriel fell on deaf ears, and he has been informed that the only way he can move back into a state of grace would by to do 15 years missionary work in Gabon as a Frankie Avalon impersonator.