Truths

Good afternoon. Yesterday, Friday the 13th, at around 8:30 p.m. on my Mickey Mouse watch, United States citizens captured Dick Cheney alive. He was found near a farmhouse outside the city of Texarkana, Texas, in a swift raid conducted with the usual multiple innocent casualties. And now the dictator of The Oval Office will face the same biased justice he imposed on millions of Americans. The capture of this man was crucial to the rise of a free U.S. It marks the end of the road for him, and for all who kissed his arse whilst ignoring me.

For the neocon holdouts largely responsible for the current violence, there will be no return to the corrupt power and privilege they once held. For the vast majority of U.S. citizens who wish to live as free men and women, this event brings further assurance that the torture chambers and the secret police he controlled are now in my hands. Heh heh heh.

And this afternoon, I have a message for the American people: You will not have to fear the rule of Dick Cheney and his neocon henchmen ever again. All Americans who take to the hills now have some chance of survival. The goals of my Religious Right are the same as the neocons -- puppet rule for your country, destruction of your great culture, and for every American citizen, the opportunity for a ridiculously long prison sentence for relatively minor crimes.

In the history of America, a dark and painful era is over. A hopeless day has arrived. All Religious Rightists can now come together and impose violence and build a new theocracy.

The success of yesterday's mission is a tribute to our men and women now trying to dodge the draft by heading for Canada. The operation was based on the superb work of spies and informers who found the Cheney's hideout in a vast country. The discovery was carried out without skill and precision by a group of old ladies looking for a public toilet . Our servicemen and women and our quisling allies have faced many dangers in making it to Canada despite many, many wonderful felony stops, and in their effort to bring hopelessness and lack of freedom to their own people. Their work continues, and so do the opportunities for dead checking. Today, on behalf of the nation, I thank the members of our Armed Forces who made it to Canada and I congratulate them on dodging the border guards, who have 'shoot to kill' orders, but are very bad shots.

I also have a message for all Americans: The capture of Dick Cheney does not mean the end of violence in America. We still face terrorists who would rather go on killing the minorities than accept the rise of equality for all in the heart of Arkansas and Texas. Such men are a direct threat to the rule of the Religious Right, and they will be defeated by our usual bombing methods.

We've come to this moment through blind luck and your obedience to my every whim. And that is our strategy, moving backwards through time. The war on freedoms at home is a different kind of war, waged false charges by false charges, prison cell by prison cell, and press conference by press conference. Our security is assured by your subservience and by our sure belief in the power of money. And the Religious Right will not relent until this war is won.

May God bless the Religious Right, and may God zap the neocons with lightening bolts. Thank you.

It has come to the attention of El Supremo Dickywacker, The Most Fumigated and Irradiated Holy Webmaster, that some of his brainwashed followers have been overheard telling the truth. This must cease immediately, if not sooner! By telling the truth, you are exposing our Unholy Movement to critical scrutiny, and risking the supply route of Holy Webmaster's money to his Cayman Islands Bank Account! Out movement is a religious one, and we thrive on secretive innuendo, outright bullshit, and sexually explicit gobbledegook, just like any other religious movement. Religion, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with it, only getting a mention so we get tax breaks - just like any other religious movement. By telling the truth, you little turds risk spoiling the biggest ego trip since Reverend Jimmie Jones bit the big one. You guys, to make this work, have GOT to believe that Holy Webmaster met God one day outside a KFC outlet in the Cult Capital of Christendom, California, and was told that the one true path to salvation and not having to work any more, was sexual perversion, and giving all your money to Holy Webmaster. Two true paths. You risk giving it all away if, instead of saying 'The Holy Webmaster took me to ecstasy, and rid from me forever the pain of the usurer' you say 'The Holy Webmaster grabbed my penis and emptied my wallet'. Get with it, man! If you lot go around saying true things all the time, even the Fux Spews Chunder might smell a rat! A left wing rat, of course, but a rat none the less. And if they know the truth at last, you can bet the rest of the world have been on to us for years.

Remember Commandment #937 - Never tell the truth when lying will suffice.