Who Flung Dung

The Lime Beer Liberation Army today announced the capture of Frankie Avalon in the northern section of Pennsylvania. He was found hiding in a small recording studio where he was believed to be trying to record a follow-up to his 'hit' in 1958. He was recognised by his oil-slicked hair and infamous pompadour. He will be transported to prison where he will be de-briefed so we can find out for sure. In due course, he will appear in front of a biased judge at a kangaroo court, where he will be found guilty of Impersonating A Rock And Roll Singer, and Wilfully Appear In A Beach Blanket Movie With Malice Aforethought. His punishment could range from execution to being forced to release a CD, 'Frankie Avalon Sings The Fabian Songbook'.

In the meantime, instrumental group The Frantics have been arrested and charged with the notorious Werewolf/No Werewolf ripoff. They are expected to use the Chuck Berry defence, which is 'My songs all sound the same because you think they all sound the same'.

The Bee Gees' underpants went on sale this week. A spokesman for the band said that their knickers should fit the standard Barbie doll without too much difficulty, as they were made from stretch material.

The Kalin Twins today announced their engagement. "I thought Herb would never get around to asking," said Hal.

Ted Nugent has released a new single, 'The Horst Wessell Song Boogie Shuffle'. The song is already No. 1 in Texas, and is selling like hotcakes in Washington, D.C.

Columbia Records have found some old Johnny Horton tapes, and are releasing a posthumous CD, 'Johnny Horton Sings Real History, Not The Hollywood Version'. Key songs include, 'You Didn't Fight All The Way, Johnny Rebb', 'The Battle Of New Orleans Was A Draw', 'North To Canada To Avoid The Draft' and 'When It's Springtime In Alaska, The Snow Melts'.

Duane Eddy today admitted that he did not play lead guitar on any of his hit records. 'I don't know a chord from the backside of a bus' he reportedly said. Apparently, the lead guitar chair went to Tiny Tim or Frank Sinatra.

Fabian is going back into the recording studio. "If Rod Stewart can make a living as a singer, I have to be in with a real chance," he said. Apparently he intends to do a CD of Mario Lanza covers, with the Legendary Stardust Cowboy on backing vocals and Elton John on electric ukulele.

Donald von Rumsfeld and Dickless Cheney are to replace Don and Phil in the Everley Brothers. All we can say is, if Donald and Dickless start to harmonise, stick your head between your legs and kiss your arsehole goodbye.

Linda Ronstadt created a furore in the music industry today when she announced that, on her next CD, she is going to record a song that has never been recorded by anyone else first. "Time to try something new," she said.

Phil Spector has announced the reforming of his original band, The Teddy Bears. "Being in a band with a name like that has got to help me with the jury," he reportedly said.

The Drifters are going back on the road. They were unable to decide which of their many members to take, so they are all going. If you see a convoy of 823 buses, you know what's going down.

Over the last generation, many bands have been fronted by attractive women, who were employed for their looks. Time is unkind, of course, and many of them now are out of work. Until now, that is. They are getting together for a world tour. Keep an eye out for "The Ugly Old Bats Tour' when it comes to a city near you. Looking at a stage full of fuglies will make you appreciate your girlfriend.

The Three Dees Band, formerly Donald, Dickless, and Dubberyar, are going on the road to promote their latest CD, 'Regime Changing For Swinging Young Lovers'. They have cancelled their show in London, as it is too close to the front lines.

Donny Osmond went into the studio today to cut his forthcoming 'Donny Sings Stevie Wonder' CD, the first in his Donny Osmond + Soul = Vomit series. Marie Osmond is too busy working as a Connie Francis impersonator to help out, having taken over the gig from Donny last year

Ringo Starr said today, that if he leaves this mortal coil any time soon, that Paul McCartney, to make even more money, might reform the Beatle.

A new rock opera is coming out soon. Based on the life, if any, of 50s rock star Oliver Cool, with words by George Dubberyar Bush and music by Rolf Harris, it will include such musical gems as 'Medley Of My Hit', 'A Long Time Between Hit', 'My Follow Up Didn't Follow Up My Follow Up', 'The Swingingest Boy In School With No Follow Up', 'How Can My Pockets Be Lined With Bread With No Follow Up'. Oliver Cool will be played by Oliver North, except when singing 'Oliver Cool' when Oliver Cool will be played by Oliver Cool. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir will make a special guest appearance as the Katzenjammer Kids and Dickless Cheney will play Fritzi Ritz. David Letterman has been pencilled in to play Mama Cass and General My-errs will play a Proust novel.